The Garlic Gazette Gazuntite A Sheynem Dankite Walter Cronkite

The New York Times promises you “All The News That’s Fit To Print”.  We promise you “All The Rest”

If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.
— Misattributed to Mark Twain

Editorial June 14, 2017

As readers of The Garlic Gazette GASWC well know, this page is meant as a comic relief to the hard fought issues of incorporation.  To members of the side supporting incorporation, apologies if it seems one sided. 

It was never my intention to write a straight article for the Gazette when I began this effort, but the recent tragedy in Washington D.C. where members of the Congressional Republican baseball team where gunned down for political reasons has changed my mind.  I do not believe that Edgemont is near the massive partisan divide we are seeing in Washington and nationwide, but that divide is a cautionary tale for all of us.  Both sides in the incorporation issue believe they are correct in their views.  Both sides believe if the other would just see thing correctly, open their minds and listen to their views they would see the light.  That's the nature of politics.  That's the nature of the human condition.  People supporting incorporation may see themselves as the patriots of 1776, forcing a separation from tyranny.  Opponents of incorporation may view themselves as the patriot of 1861, saving a perfect union.  We are of course nowhere near those extremes in our small community of about 7,500 residents, but our passions are nearly as great.  This may come across to supporters of incorporation as self serving and disingenuous, but I firmly believe that if Edgemont is to seriously consider incorporation, a bipartisan committee of supporters, opponents and the undecided needs to come together, review the consequences of incorporation, issue a report to the community and let the chips fall where they may.  Anything else, a vote in favor or against incorporation without community buy-in, will result in an extremely divided community for years to come.  We do not want to open our community to even the smallest kinds of passion we have witnessed in our nation's capital today.

Don Siegel

 
Follow our award-winning journalists and editorial staff as they bring you breaking stories from Edgemont and other places. We promise you to be first with breaking news whether accurate or not!

Siegel Picks Favorite Pet - Edgemont Aghast
Dateline: Edgemont, The Other day
Special Correspondent: Ben

Don Siegel, former weather balloon pilot, veteran of the Punic Wars and staunch opponent of the village incorporation was seen today at Starbucks purchasing a girly drink (a fruit frappachino that he later claimed was for his wife). When asked by this reporter about accusations that he still beats his wife and tortures small animals, Siegel replied that he has always complied with the letter of the law, and that “to his knowledge” the laws on those subjects have not recently changed. When challenged that he has owned five dogs over his lifetime and four of them are believed dead, Siegel fled the scene but shouted over his shoulder that no one will ever find the bodies and that his favorite dog was Mustache. Millie Bentweather, a strong supporter of incorporation, was flabbergasted, stating, and I quote, “Only an opponent of incorporation would pick a favorite dog. People with pets shouldn’t pick favorites.”

We will keep you posted on this breaking story.

Feiner Plots Takeover - White Plains & Yonkers Brace for Concierge Services
Dateline: Edgemont, Also the Other day
Special Correspondent: Stew A. Little

Don Siegel and Paul Feiner were approached by this reporter while having lunch at a restaurant on Central Avenue. When asked if it was true that he was planning a simultaneous two front war on Yonkers and White Plains with a pincer movement that would meet at Hastings on Hudson, Feiner denied the accusations, but noted that he would be happy to offer his concierge constituent services to both municipalities free of charge. Later a source at Town Hall said the operation was significantly larger than had earlier been reported and included all of New York State east of the Hudson River and parts of Connecticut. Ask why Feiner planned to stop at the Hudson, the source, who would speak only on background because if found out he could be promoted to a commissioner, stated that Feiner claimed that the river offered a natural barrier and was more defensible, but added he believed it was really because Feiner can’t swim.

We will keep you posted on this breaking story.

Flippy Carbuncle Gives Feiner a Piece of His Mind
Dateline: Edgemont, Also the Other day
Special Correspondent Stew A. Little, yes again:

This reporter stopped Trudy Carbuncle in Edgemont this morning while she was walking her dog Flippy and asked her view on incorporation. Miss Carbuncle, a long time resident, said she supported the plan to move Edgemont to the other side of the Hudson River as she had heard Feiner can’t swim and that would finally put an end to his concierge services that no one in their right mind would want. After moving on, Feiner was seen popping out from behind a nearby bush and picking up Flippy’s flop with a plastic bag. Asked why he would do such a thing for someone who so obviously dislikes him, Feiner replied that his job was to provide concierge services to all of Edgemont even those who didn’t vote for him. “What do I look like?" he asked. "Trump?” 

We will keep you posted on this breaking story.

Siegel Sued Over Free Speech & Delaying Commuters 
Dateline: Edgemont Today (Almost)
Special Correspondent Simply Sara

Don Siegel was seen disoriented and wandering along Metro North’s tracks in Scarsdale today after being informed that he and his wife were personally named in a lawsuit brought against the Town of Greenburgh by supporters of incorporation for speaking his opinion at a public hearing. Siegel barely able to contain his grief and fear reportedly stated that he would rather end it all than spend the rest of his life and his children’s inheritance on hiring teams of lawyers to defend him with the possibility of a life sentence in Sing Sing or...worse. With the urging of onlookers Siegel flung himself onto the third rail and caused hours of delays on Metro North. Siegel miraculously survived, but supporters of incorporation promised Metro North that they would pursue legal action against him for delaying service for hours. 

We will keep you updated on this breaking story.


NEWS FLASH – Lights go out in Edgemont – Feiner Culprit
The lights repeatedly went out in Old Edgemont last night drowning Crane Pond in darkness. After several occurrence our intrepid team of reporters ventured in the unsafe battle zone hiding in bushes throughout Edgemont. Sure enough, moments after Con Ed fixed a transformer Feiner was seen popping out of bushes with a broomstick and whacking the utility pole with such force that the lights went out again. The police were notified. They are well aware of Feiner’s skill with a broom. The sergeant at the front desk stated and I quote “That Feiner’s in here all the time keeping the place tidy. It’s part of his initiative to extend concierge services to all town departments. ”An all points bulletin was issued – “Feiner armed with broomstick and considered dangerous.” 

We will keep you updated on this breaking news.

Edgemont Residents Asked To Walk Slowly 
Dateline: Edgemont
Byline: Joe Alan

Supporters of incorporation have requested all Edgemont residents walk slowly.  When asked about this, Bobs Uruncle, a strong supporter of incorporation stated, and I quote, “Our cracked team of lawyers found a loophole in the state constitution that would allow Supervisor Feiner to completely block incorporation.  If he can declare a state of emergency in Edgemont he could shut down the hole incorporation effort. We don't want to give him an excuse for imposing Martial law.”  Asked if he thought Feiner would actually do such a thing, Uruncle said, “We all know Feiner has no respect for democratic processes.  Look he’s been elected what, twenty times?  And what does he do with that power?  He holds open meetings all over the town and lets anybody talk!  If that doesn’t show his Machiavellian nature I don’t know what does.”  Uruncle, suggested residents give themselves an extra hour or so when walking to Metro North stations.  “And please,” he pleaded, “definitely don’t run for a train.”  He added residents should consider having their pets sedated so that they don’t run around and give Feiner "an opportunity to impose Martial law."

We’ll keep you posted on this breaking story.

Feiner Declares Sunday June 18, 2017 "Godfather’s Day" 
Dateline: Town Hall Greenburgh
Byline: Alan Joe

In an effort to show his magnanimity, the mother of all godfathers, Paul Feiner, has declared Sunday June 18th Godfathers Day throughout the town of Greenburgh.  For the residents of Edgemont, Feiner had a special message.  Scratching his chin he said to his closest lieutenant, “Michael, I’m going to make Edgmont an offer they can’t refuse.”  When reached for comment, Sandy Strudel, representing the incorporation effort said, “We’ve checked around, and he’s nobody's godfather in Edgemont.”
We will keep you posted on this breaking story.

Siegel Seen Buying Votes for Feiner Campaign
Dateline: Greenburgh, June 18, 2017
Byline: Sam 

Don Siegel (former lumberjack and belly dancer) has been seen setting up his folding card table all over Greenburgh this weekend offering free coffee and doughnuts as inducements for voters’ signatures in the upcoming Supervisor’s election.  Asked about the practice by this reporter, Siegel said, “Yeah, it works out to be about three doughnuts and two cups of coffee per signature.  Down about half a doughnut and one cup of coffee from the last election.”  When approached by this reporter Maggie Magpie, seated behind her petitioning table collecting signatures for Edgemont incorporation, was apoplectic.  “It’s vote buying plain and simple!  It’s violates all norms and rules of a free, democratic society. A real Feiner maneuver.”  One thing this reporter can attest to is that the incorporation doughnuts were superior to Feiner’s. 

We will keep you updated on this breaking news.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Feiner Directs Greenburgh Police to Check Immigration Status 
Dateline: Crane Pond, June 20, 2017
Special Correspondent: Stu A. Little 

Speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation, Stu A. Gander (no relation to this reporter), told this reporter that Supervisor Feiner had instructed the Greenburgh Police to begin checking the immigration status of all residents at Crane Pond.  Gander stated that the immigration checks began shortly after dawn and his entire family was rounded up.  The Mallard family watched incredulously.  Millie Mallard, no fan of the Canadians, as they are known to take bread and butter away from the Mallards, still believed that the crackdown was unwarranted, “not the American way,” she said.  “They’re basically transient fair weather friends,” said her husband Milton.  “Still it’s outrageous,” he continued, “especially for this to be coming from Feiner of all people.”  Ike Fingers, a strong supporter of incorporation agreed, “It’s well known in Edgemont that Feiner will do anything to ruin our community – he spends his nights thinking this stuff up.”  Fingers continued, “For years Feiner overlooked the Canadian’s passport problems because they pooped all over the place making the park unusable by Edgemont residents and a danger to our children. That this is an election year has not slipped anybody’s mind.”  Calls to Feiner’s office for a comment went unreturned by the time we went to press. 

We will keep you updated on this breaking story.  

Update: There is no update. 

We will keep you updated on this breaking story.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Feiner Releases Greenhouse Gases to Edgemont’s Peril
Dateline: Somewhere in Greenburgh, June 22, 2017
Byline: Sam Again 

That Supervisor Feiner has spent his entire political career staying up at night trying to find new ways to curtail services and increases taxes on Edgemont residents is an alternative fact that few in Edgemont would deny.  However, his most recent actions pale in comparison to earlier ones.  Feiner, a well known believer in global warming has spent much of the time he wastes at Town Hall scheming up new ways to reduce the emission of greenhouse gases.  In this light his hypocritical behavior will come as no shock to Edgemonteers.  Reports from numerous neighbors reveal that on most nights Feiner can be seen in his backyard painting the roses red with spray paint.  While Feiner responded to questions by this reporter that he is simply spraying his tomato to keep mealy bugs off, neighbor Phil Herup, who doesn’t want his name used because he dislikes tattletails, said he overheard Feiner whispering to his long-time lackey Don Siegel, former earth worm farmer and professional wrestler, that a private report he commissioned (with taxpayer dollars!) reveals that nearly all the effects of global warming will be confined to Edgemont – including sweltering summers, bitter cold winters and especially storms with hurricane strength winds, which are particularly known to affect Edgemont because Feiner refuses to allow Con Ed to repair Edgemont lines for at least two to three weeks after they fall.  Feiner’s denials fell on deaf ears in Edgemont and make little sense to this reporter as I have seen his backyard and his roses and tomatoes are incredibly red.  When will he learn that the people of Edgemont know they are not getting a fair shake?  They have their own facts and they’re sticking with them.

We will keep you posted on this breaking story.

________________________________________________________________________________________

Cotswold to Break from Edgemont  
Dateline: Cotswold, June 27, 2017
Byline: George
Exit is in the air.  In a blow to Edgemont, residents of Cotswold began the petitioning process to secede from Edgemont Hamlet.  Cotswoldians split were on their reasons, but united in their cause.  Sean Schwitz, leader of the Co-Exit movement made no bones about his feelings.  “Look,” he said, “Edgemont’s been a drag on our community for years.  We were willing to put up with it as long as we had Paul Feiner and Greenburgh to protect us.  But now we’re done.”  Asked what the vital issues were, Schwitz said, “It’s really a matter of the gulf between our two communities.  They live in small houses on postage stamp lots.  They’re struggling to achieve upper class status, and we just don’t have a lot in common with them.  Maggie Riggles agreed, “I’m tired of paying for Edgemont children to feed the ducks at Crane Pond.  The pond is a tiny, unsightly place with scum on the surface and goose poop all over.  Each of us have our own ponds, we never use theirs, why should we be expected to pay for it?”  Bill Rug, a fortune 5000 CEO agreed.  “We make up 17.5% of Edgemont and pay 23% of the taxes.  If they incorporate they’ll lose access to the town pool and will want us to dig into our pockets to help build them a new one.  Look, each of us have an Olympic size pool on our grounds.  Why should we be expected to pay for their pool?”  
Ann Jackson said she agreed with her neighbors that it was time to breakaway, but for very different reasons.  “I have no problem paying for their kids to feed the ducks, and would be happy to contribute to a new village pool, but it’s their values that bother me.  Who in their right mind would want to be part of a community that feels they are better than the rest of the town, who don’t want to contribute to the common good, who scream epithets at and have assaulted their neighbors who don’t support their views.  I really don’t want my kids learning those kinds of values.  That’s what got our country into the mess it’s in.”  
When asked by this reporter how Edgemont will deal with the Cotswold secession movement, Edgemont incorporation leader Turtz Tuckle said, “It’s going to be tough to thread the needle, but we think we can do it.  If we can breakaway from Greenburgh before New York State changes the incorporation law, we can quickly turn around and file an amicus brief supporting Feiner on changing the law.  We’ll get through the door and then slam it in Cotswold’s face.  Then they’ll see what opposing us is going to cost them.  They’ll be paying all Edgemont taxes and we’ll be laughing in their face."  

We’ll keep you updated on this breaking story

______________________________________________________________________________________________


If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.
— Misattributed to Mark Twain
If you have a tip, keep it to yourself, we make up our own tips. If you have a comment, you can contact us at thegarlicgazettegasdwc@gmail.com